In Bella Thorne’s new book, The Life of a Wannabe Mogul: Mental Disarray, the star opens up to the world — and she isn’t afraid to say how she’s really feeling.
Dedicating the book to her “Muthafukken Self” and all the “lovely lost souls out there,” Thorne is unapologetic about her life, her pain and her triumph. In fact, she purposely crossed out the “Wannabe” on the cover, claiming the title “mogul” for herself.
Thorne chooses not to care about spelling (“im not fixing my imperfections for your idea of perfect,” she writes) or what people think in this sometimes dark, often witty autobiographical book of poetry.
Here are six revelations from the Famous in Love star’s shockingly honest new memoir, on sale now.
One of the themes throughout Thorne’s book is her struggle with her mental health. In several poems, she writes about her depression, something that has made her feel “numb” to existence. The singer reveals that she battles body dysmorphia and often seeks out approval from others, writing “I need god damn validation from a f—ing ccricket [sic] crossing the road.”
Thorne links a lot of her validation issues to being sexually assaulted when she was a child.
Contemplating why she is constantly seeking out relationships and doesn’t feel comfortable single, Thorne writes, “Was it beacuse [sic] I was molested my whole life? / exposed to sex at such a young age that feels the most natural to offer the world?”
Thorne does not name her abuser and talks about her choice not to go to the police: “i dont want to sit down with the cops and cconvice [sic] them i was raped many times / why should i have to convice [sic] someone i was taken advantage of? / why is our legal system so fucked up they make their victims feel like villains.”
Losing Her Father
The loss of her father in a motorcycle accident at nine-years-old has also had a huge impact on Thorne, who describes the pain she still feels over his death.
In a poem title “daddy,” she writes, “why did you leave? when will you be back? why wont you be at my wedding / or my funeral? they say a parent should never have to burry [sic] their child but a child should never have 2 burry their dad either.”
The singer reveals complicated feelings about her late father, comparing a toxic ex to her dad in a poem called “hate.”
“Your nose used to remind me of all the good parts of my father and now it just reminds me all the cheating scum stories i have heard about him…” Thorne writes.
Learning to Love
Thorne’s mother is also a topic of the book’s poems and some of its venom. Although Thorne writes a poem titled, “love note to my mother,” she blames her mom for not understanding how to love “properly.”
“I hope you know we never learned how to love Or at least I never did. I learned love from you and daddy but since he was gone mostly from you… it’s very hard for me to love properly, to love someone good to me,” she writes.
In a later poem, Thorne apologizes to her mother for the harsh words that she says she must get out from “lingering underneath my skin,” adding that life is a mystery, “But what isnt is this infinite undying love I have 4 you. Our relationship is f—ed up but I’m glad you are here.”
Standing with Her Sister
Despite her troubled relationship with her parents, Thorne is extremely grateful for her older, look-a-like sister, Dani: “No words could do justice for the love I have invested in you. / I simply love everything you do.”
To readers, she writes, “I’m sorry if you’re reading this and you don’t have a sister or you aren’t close w yours.”
Love and Hate
While Thorne spells out much of her story clearly for readers, there are some poems that leave room for interpretation, especially when they concern her love life.
In two adjacent poems, one titled “hate,” and the other, “love,” Thorne mentions an unnamed romance or romances that made her “curl up in a ball” and cry but also encouraged her to sing.
“I could hate you and yet i would still love you,” Thorne writes.
Thorne mentions by name past lovers including Tana Mongeau, Mod Sun and rumored fling Kyra Santoro, who she calls a “special friend,” as well as “kickass,” “YOUphoric,” “relentless,” and “addictive” in an acrostic poem.
Despite recent rifts with Mod Sun and Mongeau, the singer turned poet writes kindly if not cryptically about the past relationships.
“When will you ever learn / You give the world enough just for living here / Your mind is enough / But your big behind stops traffic my dear. / Crazy baby will you stay with me maybe?” Thorne writes in a poem about Mongeau, who is now engaged to Jake Paul. Thorne and Mongeau dated for over a year before calling it quits in February.
The Youtube sensation and former Shake it Up alum had been on good terms until Thorne claimed they were “no longer good” in a tweet last week after Mongeau “broke girl code.”
Thorne has also called out Mod Sun on Twitter recently for being “press hungry,” but often quotes the rapper in her new book. The pair broke up two months after Thorne’s break up with Mongeau, but she includes a poem that reads, “Mod Sun = husband,” written within the drawing of a ring, alluding to a supposed marriage ceremony the two participated in earlier this year.
While The Life of a Wannabe Mogul is full of Thorne’s own confessions, perhaps the biggest reveal came from Diplo’s testimonial in the back of the book: “Hey, I didn’t read this book. Bella gave it to me and I left it on an airplane.”
Thorne also left the first, handwritten version of the book on a plane, forcing her to rewrite the entire book. She writes in the introduction “why didnt i photocopy it …i guess ill have to take that whole ‘life happens as its meant to be’ thing to the grave.”
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